Dear Generic Circus,
I am writing this letter in application to be part of your circus. I don't have a specific post in mind, but I feel I would be an asset to your team in many a different role. I have two young boys, you see, and my experience can be summed up as follows;
I can spend an entire rainy day indoors entertaining two demanding boys, and only cry a little bit. One is ten months old and eats everything in sight. One is two and a half and is, ummmm, lets say challenging. I can make the following things amusing - a sock, a spider, a piece of fluff, my nervous breakdown. I think this pretty much means I'd be a kick ass clown.
I can face down a toddler who is having an almighty, half hour tantrum about his toast being too pointy. I laugh in the face of danger. Your lions don't scare me. Bring them on. I'll stick my head inside their mouths. Covered in pâté.
Need a chimp handler? Today my ten month old chewed a mouthful of food, then spat it at me. And then clapped. And then farted. Enough said.
I can imagine that a travelling circus with many animals can get pretty gross. I'm guessing you don't get many offers to muck out the enclosures. Well, motherhood has reduced me to new heights of depravity. A little poo won't put me off. The other day I was too busy to make myself lunch. I hadn't had breakfast. As I was clearing away the boys food, I noticed a piece of sandwich. It had been pre chewed. I ate it.
By nine o'clock in the morning I have normally showered, got me and two wriggly children dressed and breakfasted, put a load of washing on the line, washed up, played Chase The Imaginary Lizard Around The Lounge (don't ask), chased the non imaginary children around the lounge to get coats and wellies on, and got out of the house to walk the dog. I may as well do all that whilst on a sodding unicycle. Juggling.
I reckon I can train some parrots to be pretty darn amusing. For my own entertainment I have taught my precocious two and a half year old to say long words. It's funny until you tell them off, and they reply "I'm not naughty mummy, I'm enormously brilliant" and you have to keep a straight face.
My personal interests are getting more than two hours sleep at a time, wearing clothes without vomit or porridge on them, and brushing my hair. I usually get to indulge in these about once a year.
I look forward to hearing from you.